I found this on thautcast.com: “What I Can Do Is Pretend To Be You”. It’s an Aspergian’s reflections on a life focused on passing, focused on perfecting “the character” others want us to portray. My first three-plus decades felt like this. I remember having to do an improv scene in the mandatory high school theater class and I just couldn’t grasp how to make improv work. Now I know that nearly every moment of my life was strictly scripted, with rationed moments of improvisation to perpetuate the illusion of flexibility and the words and looks that suggested that I was just a freak and not fitting in on purpose, and not possibly because of anything organic, formed in me before words and judgments and comparisons.
I struggled with that for years, as I tend to fixate on the things I can’t do, or can’t do well (training from my youth, when things were forever paraded about with labels regarding shortcomings, comparisons to other people, and my intelligence). I fixate, I hyper focus, for the sake of pursuing mastery and approval. I should say, I fixated. I hyper focused. I’m so much happier now, being myself. The approval I seek is my own, and I’ve learned to be flexible in my criteria and the word and concept of perfection aren’t in my vocabulary except as a scar that serves as a reminder to buckle up or watch where you are going as next time a scar might not even have the opportunity to form over the wound.
I wish I had this piece, from Larkin Taylor-Parker, on a sandwich board to wear around people who refused to look at me and instead focused on what they felt I wasn’t willing to be, for those who saw just the failure and the gaffes and not the effort and considerable choreography applied to each moment, to pass even just a little…
Click the link to hop on over to thautcast. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece and the concept of “passing”.