Tag Archives: stress

Alive and Chicken.

26 Mar

(misheard song lyric)

Just a quick update to let everyone know that I am still here, but energy has been spewing everywhere but the blog! I’m caught mid-xfer…Trying to move everything to typepad, but don’t have the energy to reformat posts and deal with the tagging/category translation screwup… Soooo… I’m still here…Still updating here… Posting occasional photos over there… Trying to decide if I should separate my art and my adventures in healthcare and parenting, but at the same time they all co-exist, maybe not so happily all the time, but I never intended for this blog to be a pristine studio portrait, I wanted it to be a pile of polaroids, fingerprints on the lens and all…So I am still on the fence…Will announce the big move more officially soon.

The universe just keeps dropping traffic cones and those Bob’s barricades hurdle-y mini-fence things (pylons?) everywhere I turn…Just enough so I can put up my arms and say “why!” but then it dumps piles of paper in those outstretched arms, honey gets somehow dumped over my head, and then the freaking universe turns a fan on. A FAN! What the #*@&? (see I have been working on my potty mouth)

Wish I could handle all of this with zen like grace and a serene moon-like glow, wish I could post an entry about managing stress, illness, parenting a special needs kid, financial drama at homeplate, and how it’s all a great big fabulous TA-DA! learning experience, but we all know that when you are eyeball deep n the big steamy, chunky stew that insight will happen eventually, learning may be around the corner, but right now you’ve got to grab on to that carrot wheel and kick because your life, or at the very least your sanity, depend on it.

No really. I’m ok. I am. or at least I will be.

*insert primal yell here* (yeah, not really me…maybe that should read *insert slightly operatic and comedic bellow*)

Huge hugs all around…
xo
B

Finding their mama…

9 Nov

Ok, so my birthday was indeed on Friday.  I am now 33.

Last night and tonight (we are episodic folks) kiddo watched The Nightmare Before Christmas with me (I had never seen it)… He was fine until…

Oogy Boogy is stripped of his clothes and all of the bugs/critters go running and fall into the fire.

Boy was horrified.

I paused and asked him if he was ok.

He said “They are going to find their mama”

(to deal with his fear of bugs-mostly flies- we have taught him to wave his hands and say “go find your mama”… That little concept has made a huge difference as far as successfully keeping the peace and not having a complete meltdown on our hands when dining at the al fresco eatery that my parents prefer…)

Then he said “they went to find their mama and went into the fire and got burned up”

He was so sad and heartbroken…

All of the horrible things he might overhear in a day- on the news, flipping channels on TV, conversations between adults, and the one concept that always hits him the hardest is the idea of someone trying to find their mama.  The idea that the reunion might not occur is just devestating to him…

Shortly after that he declared that he was going to take a big marker and write a line across the top of his head so he wouldn’t grow any more.  The kid is obsessed with growing up and getting bigger (he is very encouraging when the wii fit tells me I’m up .5 lbs… “Yay Mama, you are growing biggest!”…I have to love that someone is happy about that!) and he has declared that he is going to stay the size he is now so nothing changes anymore…  That and he wants everyone to stop working and me to not be so tired and sick so I can play more.

I tell him every night:

“It doesn’t get better than You”

It’s his little insights on everything that make me feel like I am the luckiest Mama in the world.  His sweetness and insights make everything more manageable.  They make everything sweet and they make the world feel safe and warm….

Quiet….

18 Oct

It’s quiet… The stress of this week, the fight or flight response of Tuesday’s meeting with the school district, has mellowed a bit…

We are not pulling kiddo from his school until we have a better plan in place.  I feel like we were blindsided and given no time to gather people and information as the test results came in and BAM! same meeting we were writing the IEP- with really no idea of what we could include…

So we are on a little mental vacation from planning and researching a change.  Instead I have been strategizing on how to reach kiddo and the three of us have been working together to plan how to help him in the immediate future.  It’s frustrating.  He is overwhelmed, but also relieved…  He told me he was worried about school.

He said, “I fit in.”

I think he fits in right now the way that someone in camo fits in with the forest…I think he blends enough that some of the kids accept him.  If he feels that he fits in then I am so happy about that.  I never had that feeling of fitting in as a kid- not even with my family, immediate or extended, and I struggle with it as an adult, but for the most part I have my tribe. I am loved and I love. And I love that Alex feels loved by the kids at school, even with the constant struggles and the huge differences.  I love that they take him by the hand and sit him down and even though he is often looking off into space (or at the fire sprinklers or ceiling fan), they treat him as an active participant…  When I pick him up from school the kids tell him that I am there and on occasion this one girl who Alex adores will help him clean up his space and remind him to bring his lunchbag to me, at the door to the classroom… She will hold his hand and lead him to me.  Sometimes I get progress reports.  It’s amazing the differences between the two, and he is 5 and she will be 4 soon and there are similarities, but it’s the differences that are so beautiful and startling and it is this difference between Alex and the other kids that keeps him safe in many ways, at least for now.  At least until they start noticing differences as a negative thing.  It happens. It is life. We have so much work to do and what a rollercoaster we are on…

But I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world…

Puff’s cave?

21 Apr

Puff’s cave…

Originally uploaded by caruso_jeff

Sent baldguy off to Kauai with a treasure hunt list- some were actual things, some were photos to take.

This is Puff,The Magic Dragon’s cave. I asked him to take this for little guy. For the record, I think this may be Puff’s tunnel, but what do I know… I’m just going by the storybook on this one… (lots of lava caves around Kauai from what I understand…this is not a lava cave…)…. Boy and I read Puff, the Magic Dragon over and over… It’s the only story he wanted to hear while baldguy was away… Mostly because “Puff” takes place in Kauai, kind of by accident according to the last page of the book… So we looked at the map of Honalee and boy tried to spot daddy. He fell asleep with the book most nights.

Anyway, baldguy is back. I wound up losing my marbles in the middle of last week. Being sick and being a tired mama to a little guy with special needs who does not handle change at all, and having a spouse away on an extravagant all-expense-paid vacation (that we all could have gone on…grrrr. picture the peanuts comic squiggly line above my head.) all came crashing down on me in the middle of the week in a bad way. I was going to try to be graceful about the whole thing, and if it was just one thing I would have smiled and waved, smiled and waved… But it was everything. All at once. And I cracked.

I think I cried for 24 hours straight and an additional 12 hours divided throughout 2 additional business days. I understand how I feel and why I feel like this. I’m doing better now. But I’m still tired and wiped out (and I’ve got extra sick sinuses on top of the usual stuff) and buried under trying to get boyo in order. Still taking time off from working on new and custom pieces. Trying to get all of our ducks in a row….

Anyway- check out Puff, the Magic Dragon… Beautifully illustrated and a lovely story (and song)… This edition includes a CD with the song and a few others.. Definitely at the top of our favorite story lists…

And while the animated version of my youth (now easily located on youtube.com) will always have a place in my heart, this storybook version is a bit more soothing and lilting….

Enjoy….

(of course when baldguy went to work this morning and was gone by the time boyo was fully awake, boyo declared that Daddy was back in Kauai… )

Labelmaker

12 Mar

Off the deep end….

Originally uploaded by CleverGirlBek

Ok. So I was talking to someone yesterday and I was explaining the steps I have been taking, or attempting to take, in reorganizing the household so there are less distractions to send boy and me into our personal ADD spirals…. So my side of the conversation went something like this:

“I bought small plastic containers”

“They stack”

“I bought a bunch of them. Everytime I go to the store they have more in the same color. I’m not even a big green person- more into blue, which they had…Anyway. I bought a bunch”

“And I bought a label maker”

“This project has been going on for a month. I have a tower of plastic containers with green latches in my living room. I’m going to put everything in plastic containers and label it so it’s out of sight but I can still find stuff” (note: true to a life of ADD and being the creative sort I tend to leave things out because for me, out of sight=out of mind and leaving things out typically means I do eventually finish them but it also means that we have tons of visual clutter which would be distracting for a person without ADD/ADHD….Hence the reorganization)

At this point I confess the following.

“The label maker is put away. I made a label for it that says ‘LABEL MAKER’.”

And it is at that point that we both start laughing, hard.

The truth is that I have been having a hard time with my ADD and fatigue and a whole host of health issues…

And of course, boyo comes first- always. So now I’m staring at a pile of information about how to help him, how to help me help him, how to help the teacher help him, how to explain all of this stuff to his grandparents, and a sizable pile of how to help me. Because if I can’t focus at all, I can’t very well help him.

So today I went in and dug around and found some more suggestions on being a productive adult with ADD.

Those of you that know me, know that I work my arse off and I always have and I always will, it’s my nature. I do, in fact, get things done.
But what I cannot do is focus. Have a conversation with me in person and you will find that my brain likes to take detours. Trying to complete a task as simple as getting a cup of coffee in the morning can often turn into a 2 hour event, if it happens at all. Most folks have blinders that they don’t even think about- that ability to get out of bed and get the cup of coffee. They can tune out the things that derail me in my attempt at having just a regular morning. Everything has a million steps and points at which I can be pulled off of my track. I do many things exactly when they occur to me and it takes every bit of strength not to be derailed from one tiny task, and then I’m wiped out if it gets done at all…I’ve had other artists ask to come hang out- to have fun and to learn from each other,  I’d love that, but I can’t function with more distraction, and I’m a little shy about my visual clutter and my mad scientist work style…  I did function, for years, in office situations.  Surprisingly, many of my jobs in the past have involved organizing other folks.  But that was before the many things that make my ADD more symptomatic… I do manage to get my orders out on time, but instead of completing them in one simple swoop I have been finding that having more of a schedule/to do list of every part is necessary and while it only takes me a few minutes to get an order out (ready to wear pieces) those few minutes are quite broken and scattered across the day…

But as long as the label maker box has a label that says label maker on it and the label maker is in the box, then everything will be A-O.K., don’t you think….

(hubby just came back in the room and said “what’s up kid?” and that’s all it takes for me to be knocked off the track….eeeeek. I’ll post this anyway, even though I’m pretty sure it didn’t go where I intended it to….)

*hugs*
b

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