Tag Archives: OCD


11 Aug


Originally uploaded by CleverGirlBek

Coolest googles/glasses ever….

Mid-century Safety Glasses from Chigal.Etsy.com….

I am obsessed with eyeglasses lately…Mostly because I have this corrective lenses RX burning a hole in my pocket….

Originally, I started wearing glasses in 5th grade. I thought I was the coolest kid in the world. I also wanted braces. I was weird like that. I think I thought that if I had braces and really hideous pale lavender plastic aviators then I would have a chance at being the ugly duckling that turns into a swan…Like in a bunch of 80’s tween movies…. What can I say, I was awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. I guess I thought that if I went from awkward to really awkward than my base level of awkward would be comparatively beautiful. Since then I have had blinding cataracts, and the lens implantation surgery (I have plastic and metal lenses in my eyeballs…yes, I was awake through the surgery (and had to sneeze…talk about a panic attack!) and I have the video somewhere…)…My bionic lenses make my pupils reflect all “cats eye” when the light hits them just right…I had a boss, once upon a time, who was mildly freaked out by this…

I think I spent way too much time developing this theory as a 10 year old. But where I come from, appearance is all too important. I have seen it paralyze my mother her entire life. I was there, going through morphine withdrawl (post emergency spine surgery….hospital screwed up my RX so I went from “enough to drug a horse” to raw nerves firing, screaming and all of the craziness that comes with that sort of a chemical snap) vomiting and sweating, dehydrating, severely hypoglycemic and drinking gallons of juice but I kept dropping, my antibiotic IV pump was alarming and my fever was rising…. Unable to take care of myself. I was there, waiting for her to help me up to drive me to the emergency room. I waited for 4 hours while she made herself “presentable”. Thankfully, my dad came home at that point and drove me right to the hospital. An emergency is an emergency is an emergency…. But for her, pruning is her OCD. It is illness, it is dangerous.

So I do reject that level of vanity. And I rarely ask myself what a stranger (like those in a hospital waiting room) would think. I do ask myself what my kid might think. Because he Is more important than anyone or anything else in my world. I’m not saying that folks should just be comfy and not dress for success. I’m just saying that dressing for success should be appropriately channeled, so that failure does not derail all of your attempts… I’m also a bit more comfortable in my own skin these days, which helps…

But I do need glasses…

So I bought these and someday I will have rx lenses put in them… But for now they sit on my table, and they do seem to be sending me some positive energy with which I will create, create, create…
For now, I have ordered 2 pairs of glasses off of the internet… I’ll report back when they arrive… I just don’t have time to head to the optician/lenscrafters these days….

We shall see (and hopefully we shall see clearly!)

Leaps and bounds….

5 Mar

Just a quickie… Doing research on Alex’s thing… Going to docs appointments… Alex came home today with bruises on his knees and shins.Bruises!I couldn’t be happier!As we pulled into a space at school, this morning,  so I could walk him to his classroom  he pointed (accurately! this is new!) at the big slide. His nemesis.  And announced that the big slide is the one he went down at school the previous day (I assumed he went down the small one- which is still a pretty big accomplishment)  He ran around and fell and got banged up today.  Like the other kids. All of a sudden, and it is sudden-since the weekend- he is doing so many amazing things he didn’t do before…  He is working on self-regulation of the things he does in endless repetition- no prompting or assistance from us- he picks a number on the microwave clock for when he will stop doing whatever he is doing (running around the kitchen island with a pinwheel a million times…I’ve seen him do it until he was so exhausted I had to pick him up off of the kitchen floor and put him in bed…) and then he…. drumroll please…. stops. He STOPS!  He even got a bug bite at school today (although, depending on how you ask him, he was bit by a small mosquito, a tarantula, or a scorpion…. Any which way it’s a teensy little bite- and he wanted a bandaid for it- which he usually freaks out about… He asked for one. )….All of this is so huge and wonderful….I made him a label with the labelmaker that says “Mama loves Alex” and stuck it on the inside of the little fence thing that keeps him from rolling out of bed every night… He sounded it out this afternoon and turned to me and said “You love me”.  and once again I had to explain how silly mama cries when she is happy.(he has never been able to do the whole you/me thing….)Huge. Gigantic leaps.  


2 Mar

For those of you that don’t know, I am taking a brief break from making custom pieces… My shop is still open, I’m still shipping, but I needed some much needed meditation time… It’s hard. I want to make stuff. I need to make stuff. But I’m pulled elsewhere.  Perhaps all of this time away will refuel my creative tank and I’ll be able to play again… Lots of things are going on in clever-land…  The occupant of much of my brain and heart-space is, of course, my little guy… Tomorrow we head to the new neurologist, as recommended by his occupational therapist, to discuss some of the flags she has seen, and of course, that we have seen.  When she first mentioned the idea of making an appointment she also suggested writing down all of the “quirks” that our guy has.  So for the past month and a half, while waiting for our appointment to come up, I have been looking at my kiddo, and myself, with a magnifying glass that is perhaps too strong.   I spent this past week crying every time he did something that isn’t typical of a regular kid.   I am realizing, with every magnified step that if there was doubt that he is different (and I’m not talking different as in wonderful different- I’m talking about the kind of different where it is hard for him to function in the world just as he is -different)  that doubt has vanished. Part of me dug my heels in today about going to the initial consultation tomorrow.   It’s like folks who dwell in denial- if you don’t go to the doctor than nothing is wrong.  Of course we are going.  Of course going tomorrow doesn’t change anything for the negative.  Going tomorrow is not going to make my little guy different (for lack of a better word). It’s not going to brand him with an affliction.  The only thing that can happen is that we will learn something and be given a giant spotlight instead of the miniature magnifying glass to help us find the tools that can help all of us.   I’m also reminded of when the early intervention folks came for the evaluation almost 3.5 years ago, for his gross motor delays – his pediatrician and neurologist and stay in the hospital and testing had all asked about the things that he didn’t/couldn’t do.  The early intervention social worker asked me “What is he good at?”  and I was floored.  Surely he was good at many things. But we had already been trained to look at the solid negative evidence in front of us and not see the sun breaking free of the clouds.  I’ve kept that lesson- to see the light even when being told to describe only the darkness- because you can, with so many variables have one without the other if you forget to see it all. Anyway, tomorrow we will go and hopefully it will be the beginning of a journey for our family where we will all have the tools to have more good days together.So this is what I’m focusing on… Well, this and reorganizing every bit of anything in our home and my studio so that there will be less distraction for all of us and we can work on having a bit more structure.   My kiddo tends to be pretty black and white about everything and hubby and I tend to be more grey-area, less structured, more artistic….We are trying to find a happy medium…. Hugs all around.  And for the love of pete if someone could tell me why none of my formatting is keeping please please please let me know… :-)

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