Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

13 Jun



Pedal

Originally uploaded by CleverIndie

Physical Therapy (for me) ended yesterday.

The loss of my only undivided me-time has brought up many things.

Lots of tears.

This was my first break in almost 6 years. I had 18 hours where I wasn’t in charge, out of almost 50’000 on duty and on high alert.

I’m exhausted. I’m angry.

The true colors of some people are really shining through, and not in a good way. Having a not-readily-visible disability and a child with different needs brings out the narcissism in other people. It’s partly the myth of the supercrip. It’s partly their choice to live in denial. It’s a whole lot of their narcissism. If they don’t accept a fact then it doesn’t exist. It’s like “La la la let’s pretend everything is ok and then it is! And if it isn’t lets kick the person when they fall to the ground and then call them negative when they tell us to stop or start to cry! She’s dead from our kicking? She is cured of her disability! Isn’t positive thinking grand!”

Ok. A bit of sarcasm (just a dash, right). But I don’t feel like boring you with back story. And positive thinking is wonderful. It’s the kicking and the holier than thou-isms that I have the problem with. It’s also the living in denial part- ever wonder why disabled folks are often depicted with a chip on their shoulder? The loss of certain abilities eventually (over a variable passage of time) becomes accepted fact, but the bitter pill to swallow is the loss of family and friends and the feeling of being tricked, cheated, resented, and lied to by supposed loved ones who invent their own truth rather than bothering to listen to the one person who has experienced it. Try trusting anyone after people who were once at the very core of your world and your family decide what you can and cannot do, not based on any reality except their own needs, and if you try to explain you get labeled as selfish or lazy or negative. And if you do what you can to help them with their needs it is never enough. Any which way, you wind up being judged rather than accepted.
It’s a losing battle. I feel stupid for even trying to fight it. I have to learn to conserve my energy and to say goodbye to those who cannot see past their own noses.

I’m in that really weepy (ok, sobbing) part of building up to cutting off my hair (not really going to hack it off, yet), blasting “The Warrior”, and moving stompingly forward.

But I’m tired and my body really really hurts.

No support for this broken body.

Fact. Not whining. Not negativity. Just fact.

I’m putting this out into the universe because my voice is hoarse.

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2 Responses to “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”

  1. ail June 13, 2009 at 10:33 pm #

    when I go thru the people that I’m so glad I share this time and space with you are right on top. Gail

  2. Heather June 14, 2009 at 7:35 am #

    I’m so sorry. I went through PT for a back injury and even though I was in pain, I felt the same way: it was a break.

    This post resonated with me, mainly because of this: “people who were once at the very core of your world and your family decide what you can and cannot do, not based on any reality except their own needs, and if you try to explain you get labeled as selfish or lazy or negative.” I’ve found that I’m not allowed to complain about any issue I have without somebody who I love telling me how bad it ISN’T. My feeling is that I’ve already claimed “special needs child,” so I’m not allowed to have any problems past that.

    Vent. Sorry. Just wanted to say, I feel you up here and am sending some psychic hugs your way.

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