The Truth Freaking Hurts.

24 Sep

For the past few weeks I’ve been having mega-low energy.  Lower than usual.

Because I haven’t been the most physically active Mama over the past few weeks (or rather less physically active than usual because my energy is low and my muscles aren’t obeying lately) I have been trying to make time for kiddo combined with a little rest…We are trying a more structured afternoon here, so having this sort of Mama and kiddo time of any sort seems to be just what kiddo and I needed…

This week so far I am feeling a little better and actually getting around the house a little easier and even took some new photographs, reorganized some work trays, and plotted some other things I need to do on my calendar…  So, I took a little quiet work with me so I could get something done while I was mildly alert and while boyo was eating his snack, while we both watched a movie…

Half way through the movie, kiddo started rearranging my work tray, as my work wasn’t making a pattern and he needs patterns…. I asked him to please stop and he said he wanted to help me with my work so I wouldn’t have to work so much.

I felt like such an arse.  I haven’t been working that much but I do most of my work when he is getting home from school as the morning is a bizarre game of fatigue just running me down.  I wake up. I get out of bed. I go to the kitchen to make tea.  Before it is ready I have to go sit down on the bed but I barely get there because my limbs are too worn to propel me.  This goes on for a couple of hours. Once the 2 cups of tea and the diet dr. pepper kick in along with my ADD meds, I usually have around 2 hours to do whatever I have to do.  This is going to make me lose my last marble.  I went through similar fatigue in January and I stopped taking on new custom work.   I hope this fades faster as I really do miss being at least mildly productive and I miss the interaction, the dance, that is the custom process….

Anyway, I was talking to kiddo and I asked him if he likes spending movie time with me in the afternoon (his dad is doing the active and more focused work with him) and he said he did.   As it turns out he wants to spend more time with me and doesn’t feel like I have spent time with him.  I get this, I do. I understand it.  The balance is elusive for moms who are healthy.

I asked him if he remembers spending time together when he was a very little guy and he said he did. I asked if we had fun and he told me that we went to the doctor’s office.  He is right, we were in doctor’s offices for his stuff and my stuff, at least twice a week for his first few years.  But that broke my heart.  His most vivid memories of me from his earlier years were in doctor’s offices, and going to sleep at the hospital and waking up with the booboo on my neck.   These things make him very sad. He told me he is worried.  “About what?” I asked. “About you” he replied.  I replied, “that’s funny, I was worrying about you!”…And then I broke down.

I guess somewhere, deep down, I was hoping that maybe he wouldn’t remember.  Or that those things were our normal wouldn’t bother him so much.  But they do.  And they bother me too.

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One Response to “The Truth Freaking Hurts.”

  1. carrie September 25, 2008 at 1:23 pm #

    Awwwwwwwww, big hugs, that is a hard thing for a Mama’s heart. Yet, you are his Mom, and you make his life a fine one:)
    xo,
    Carrie

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