Me.

10 Sep

Me.

Originally uploaded by CleverGirlBek

This is me.

Today, and most days, my burst of energy is around 11am for around 45 minutes. Boyo is usually in school and misses it, he tends to see me at my lowest level of energy (he says “Mama’s energy is blinking red”…Lately everything relates to RockBand it seems…) and he’ll hang out with me in a temporary fort under the blankets and we have this funny little dialog back and forth before the bald guy comes and retrieves him and I hang out, sometimes plugged into the wall so my newest ‘betes gadget can recharge, usually with an earplug in my hand and sometimes crying because I just don’t have the energy these days to get much done and I’m so frustrated and it has moved beyond accepting that I need to adjust my expectations for the day into the endless frustration that getting out of bed in the morning exhausts me so much that I almost don’t make it out the bedroom door.

But I do what I can. I have learned to bring some work to bed with me. I am the queen of containers with little compartments. And I work on working smarter and putting systems into place so I have less to worry about and more time with my little guy.

Kiddo tells me “and then you’ll rest and your energy will be back in the green and you’ll be so happy to play again”…

If only a nap would move my energy I’d be soooooo grateful.

Anyway.
While I was resting today he went to his “office” (his room is set up Montessori style, in little compartments/rooms with 3 foot high walls) and made this for me. I think this is the first thing he has drawn specifically for me. I know this is some sort of a breakthrough, but I can’t get past the tears.

And then I have to explain to him why mama cries when she’s happy…
All of this is so confusing, but he just grabs me a wet wipe and orders me to blow my nose. Which makes me cry harder.

All I know for certain is that I am loved. Really, truly, purely loved.

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One Response to “Me.”

  1. sophie duckduckgoosestuff September 10, 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    he made you a lovely picture ;) and I’m sorry you’re feeling so rubbish – I would never have guessed from your work, which I envy/covet/love.
    but I kind of know how you feel; illness and child and all, a similar boat to be in.
    look after yourself. your boy sounds as lovely as your work.

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